I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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