I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
