I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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