i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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