Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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