I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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