i think my tv is drunk
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize