Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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