i permit you to call me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
