She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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