Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
