god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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