...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
