I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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