i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
