and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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