Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
