For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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