Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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