there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
