Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
