Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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