im six kinds of drunk right now
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Enjoy the penises
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
