Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
