I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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