i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
