Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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