God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize