when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
