I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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