I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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