I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
