Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
