Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
