just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
