thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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