4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize