this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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