I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize