I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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