Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
