I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
