First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
