i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
