Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
