i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
sarcasm needs its own font
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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