I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
