I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
