so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
