Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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