I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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