glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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