this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
