Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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