when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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