New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
