I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize